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Kind of Blue

March 28, 2012

Life has been quite mundane recently. With my new job, it has been kinda slow and hard to pass the time. Being stuck in front of the computer all day replying emails and doing paperwork is extremely boring.  I shouldn’t be complaining though as my previous job was quite the opposite. Perhaps this just shows that balance is the key in whatever we do!

My self esteem issues are starting to creep up again when recently there was an issue at work which I felt I was unable to deal with. There’s this deeply rooted feeling of not being good enough which comes once in a while coupled with self doubts and insecurities.

Low self esteem is not something which goes away just like that when you grow up. Even successful people suffer from it like the late Michael and Whitney.

Just the other day, my mum was asking me how my job was going. I paused for some time and she continued by asking, “Do you know how to do your job?” I wasn’t really expecting a question like this but at that moment it just confirmed many things for me, like how she never believes in me. I replied her that yes I can do my job and she gave me a surprised look, “oh good then”.

I believe that self esteem issues arise from our childhood. As children, we only want the assurance of our parents and when we don’t get it, it really affects us psychologically. Well I can say for myself that I’ve always felt not good enough no matter what I do to please my mum. Her opinions of me matters; thats why I want to make her happy and proud but somehow her opinions are always negative and I always have a difficult time trying to live up to her expectations and ideals.

I’m glad though that I have the increasing ability to see the distinction of what my mum thinks of me and who I actually am. This helps me to make a conscious effort in not being influenced by her so much. Well, it is not an easy task, especially when I’m not feeling so balanced. Her criticisms sometimes feel like a dagger piercing through me.

Receiving Self Realisation has helped me tremendously. Now it is easier to detach myself from my problems and see them for what they are. Ultimately, we are the pure spirit, and we should derive our esteem from our true Self.


3 Comments leave one →
  1. Arun permalink
    March 30, 2012 12:35 pm

    Hey hui,
    Hws you? Long time since I came to know about you. You talking about your new job. How is that?

  2. March 30, 2012 1:56 pm

    ya i’m good…yea i started new job this year….how’s your business doing?

  3. Arun permalink
    April 2, 2012 2:43 pm

    congrats for the new job….
    Its a new year time for Kerala, in the 14th april … Vishu

    my business is still in the infant stage… so a struggle has to come in the picture .. but i am enjoying it..

    so it keeps me going ..

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